How to Help a Survivor

Emotional:

• Anger: at the assailant(s) or themselves for not escaping the situation
• Powerlessness: general loss of control over one’s life
• Guilt: the feeling that they could have prevented the assault
• Fear: of being blamed or assaulted again, people finding out, pregnancy, STIs, all people, physical contact, being alone or with others
• Helplessness: loss of all self-reliance
• Shame: humiliation, embarrassment, feeling “dirty” or “damaged”
• Numbness: appearing extremely calm, controlled or unaffected

Physical:

• Changes in eating patterns
• Changes in sleep patterns
• Changes in sexual interest

Cognitive:

• Depression: mood swings, apathy, change in sleeping or eating
• Anxiety: panic attacks, irritability, feeling of impending doom
• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
• Flashbacks: waking or sleeping in the form of night terrors

Behavioral:

• Isolation: withdrawal from friends and family
• Changes in lifestyle: improved or declined performance at work or school
• Discomfort: around other people, with intimacy, with being alone

Learn more about Common Reactions to sexual violence and trauma responses.

• Thank them. It can be scary for survivors to share their story, even if it’s with a friend or family member. Try saying, “Thank you for trusting me with this,” or “I’m so glad you shared this with me.”
• Believe them. Remember that it is not your job to investigate the assault. Avoid any “why” questions like, “why didn't you leave?” or “why didn't you call me?” Instead, try “I know it might feel like no one will believe you, but I believe you.”Listen to them. Even if you or someone you know has been through a similar situation, remember that everyone experiences trauma differently. Let the survivor speak openly, then ask open-ended questions like “How are you feeling?”
• Ask how to help. The survivor may not know right away how you can help them, but it’s always best to ask. Say, “What can I do to help?”
• Don’t tell anyone. Let the survivor tell who they want, when they want. If there’s someone who you think should know, ask the survivor first.
• Accept them. State that their feelings are normal and that the recovery process takes time. Show support by saying, “It’s okay to feel ______.”
• Provide information. Inform the survivor of their options for receiving medical care and for reporting. In the case of sexual assault, contact the MSU Sexual Assault Healthcare Program with any questions.
• Let the survivor take control. Remember, the survivor has been robbed of all sense of control, so letting them make decisions would be empowering. Support the survivor’s decisions, even if you disagree with them.
• Help identify a support system for the survivor. Encourage them to seek counseling or help from a crisis center or therapist.
• Be patient. Let the survivor recover at their own rate. It may take weeks, months, or years. Survivors may never feel fully recovered from their assault.
• Take care of yourself. Consider seeking support from a crisis center or counselor. Supporting yourself also indirectly supports the survivor.
• Check your own fears and prejudices about sexual assault. Educate yourself about the common myths and misconceptions surrounding interpersonal violence by researching online, reading articles or contacting your local crisis center.

• Pain, sorrow
• Blame for oneself or the victim
• Impatience with the recovery process
• Anger at the assailant, wanting revenge
• Preoccupation with sexual aspects of the assault; seeing it as sex rather than violence

While there is not one way to respond to interpersonal violence, many survivors experience a range of physical, emotional, cognitive, and behavioral responses that are typical of any traumatic event. These responses might last throughout a lifetime, to varying degrees of intensity, as healing from trauma is not a linear process.

To learn more about the science of trauma and how it impacts our brains and behaviors click here: Trauma Responses

Everyone responds to interpersonal violence differently, and there is no right or wrong way to react. People may connect with a range of experiences - as a victim who sometimes feels violated and powerless, or as a survivor who sometimes feels empowered and connected. It's important to honor all experiences and recognize the wisdom of our body's authentic response to trauma. There is no timeline for healing; everyone's journey looks different, but recovery is possible, and things can get better.

Survivors utilize a variety of resources, supports, and coping skills throughout their healing journey. And often, a little bit of patience, time, and support from others, can make a big impact on recovery. Explore the resources below to learn more about coping strategies that may be helpful to you in your healing journey.

• Learn more about Common Reactions to Trauma & Coping Strategies (PDF) to manage some of those common reactions
• There are many ways to cope, sometimes it can be helpful to distract yourself, but other times it may be helpful to look within, and feel your feelings. Utilize this Coping Skills Worksheet to create your own personalized coping skills plan.
  Coping Skills Worksheet (PDF)
• Some survivors may struggle with thoughts of suicide. If you are having thoughts of suicide please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK. If this is a life threatening emergency, or you are unable to keep yourself safe, call 911 or go to the nearest hospital. Creating a safety plan to prepare for times when you might be in crisis can be helpful. Using a Safety Plan template can be helpful in creating your own crisis safety plan.
  Safety Plan Template (PDF)
• Flashbacks, dissociation, and feeling triggered are normal responses to trauma, but they can be uncomfortable and scary, too. Using the 5 senses (sight, touch, taste, smell, sound) can ground you to the present moment and calm your body. Review some examples of Grounding Techniques.
  Grounding Techniques (PDF)
• Can’t sleep? Sleep is an important part of overall wellbeing, but trauma can interfere with our ability to fall asleep or stay asleep. Learn more about the impact of trauma on sleep, tips for healthy sleep habits, and coping with nightmares here.
  Sleep After Trauma (PDF)
• Breathing, relaxation, guided imagery, and meditation can help to move your body out of a trauma response, and can help you to self-soothe, and become more present and centered.
• People find this Guided Meditation (and many others) from the QuietMindCafe helpful.
• Different relaxation exercises can help soothe and calm the body; an important part of healing. This Relaxation Exercises handout (PDF) has several different exercises that might be helpful.
• Learn about different breathing exercises on Dr. Weil's website.
• Explore different audio meditations on the Kaiser Permanenta website.
• Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy, and self-compassion can be a helpful tool for when we might be judging and criticizing ourselves. Review the Self-Compassion meditations and exercises on the Self Compassion website.
• Overall self-care is an important part of the recovery journey. Learn more about self-care after trauma on the RAINN (rainn.org) website.

Your initial response to a disclosure is critical and can promote trauma recovery. Please consider the following when someone discloses to you:

• Call 911 if assault is in progress
• Check for injuries or medical needs
• Ensure safety
• Believe the victim/survivor
• Don’t judge the survivor and their behavior, choices, etc.
• Be supportive, empathic, and sensitive
• Expect different behavior/reactions (anger, tearful/crying, laughing, calm, collected, detached/numbness); trauma or shock can present in many ways
• There is no “normal response” to violence, abuse or trauma
• Respect personal space (don’t initiate touching or hugging)
• Don’t pry. Unless you are acting in an investigator role, such as a detective investigating a crime, it is not helpful to ask many questions. Even in that role, asking open-ended questions is best practice. For friends and others who are in a support role, allow each survivor to share at their own pace.
• Avoid asking unnecessary questions. Instead ask “What do you need?” or “How can I help?”
• Contact service providers for consultation and support
• Follow the University Reporting Protocols - visit https://civilrights.msu.edu for more information
• Respect privacy (tell only those who need to know for reporting purposes)

You can help someone who is experiencing relationship violence:

• Listen to them and believe them. Recognize that disclosing to you took great strength and courage.
• Understand what they are saying and validate their feelings and strength. Devote your effort to understanding the thoughts, feelings, and experiences they have chosen to share with you.
• Talk with them about their physical/emotional safety. One way to open the dialogue is to say, “I am concerned about your safety.”
• Help the person understand that the abuse is not their fault. The person may feel guilty about being abused. You can help by saying, “It is not your fault” or “You have done nothing to deserve this type of treatment.”
• Support the person’s right to control their own life. Don’t expect the survivor to follow your advice. Remember that ultimately they must be making the decisions regarding their own life.
• Provide helpful resource information. Give the person numbers to local shelters and/or crisis lines. Encourage them to call.
• Protect the survivor’s right to confidentiality. Recognize the person’s choice to disclose to you. Respect their right to tell whomever they choose.
• Contact MSU Center for Survivors. Even if you aren’t experiencing relationship violence personally, MSU CFS can be a resource for you too. MSU Center for Survivors staff can provide support, options and resources and help you to figure out how you can best help.

You can help stand against relationship violence or stalking by doing any of the following:

• Call the police if you witness an assault in progress.
• Be a role model for healthy relationships. Treat your friends and partners with respect.
• If it is safe for you to do so with people in your life, state that controlling and violent behavior is not OK. This behavior is a sign that a person has a problem and needs help.
• Take a stand against abusive/stalking or victim-blaming behavior. Confront jokes about physical/sexual/emotional violence or those that make light of stalking. Don’t reinforce abusive behavior by laughing, minimizing, or ignoring an act of violence or a threat.
• Consider attending educational or awareness raising events during Domestic Violence Awareness Month (October) or National Stalking Awareness Month (January); sharing social media posts from your local domestic violence or stalking program; or donating to local or national domestic violence or stalking programs.
• Contact MSU Center for Survivors for information and referrals or to learn about ways to support the program.